Things that are kind of funny when you actually stop and think about them….

The English language is both one of the most complicated and the most lovely in the world. Some words and expressions that we hear daily, however, are just, well, ridiculous. Or if not ridiculous, pretty amusing to say the least. As I was making dinner last night, I glanced wistfully at the bottle of extra virgin olive oil and giggled. Then I sat down and wrote this. This is by no means as inclusive as I would have hoped, but I did it off the top of my head so it will have to suffice.

1. Extra virgin olive oil—Extra virgin olive oil comes from the first cold pressing of the olives and has a delicate flavor and smooth finish. It’s one of my favorite foods, especially when slathered on nice warm toasted bread. However, I digress. I find the expression “extra virgin” really amusing. I mean, something’s either virgin or not. There’s not really any in between room there. I’m aware that I am projecting traditional cultural lessons regarding humans on olives, but come on, it’s true. If something is “extra virgin,” does that mean prudish? Am I drenching my bread with prudish olives?

2. Eats like a bird—A common expression often used to refer to anorexic individuals or those who seem unable to appreciate the multifarious benefits of good cuisine. What does it imply if these persons are truly “eating like birds,” however? Do they feast solely on seeds, nuts, fruits, and insects? (Perhaps this definition could be applied to vegans!) It appears not. In addition, the great majority of birds must consume twice their weight daily in food in order to stay alive. While some anorexics could consume twice their weight and not have it be considered drastic, I do not think that most people who “eat like birds” eat over 100 pounds of seeds, nuts, and berries each day. That’s just unrealistic. Also, expensive.

3. Happy as a clam—Often used to describe individuals who are particularly elated. Granted my knowledge of the emotional states of aquatic creatures is scant, but I do not believe that I have ever seen a “happy” clam. Not even a “content” or “pleased” clam. In fact, most of the clams that I have come in contact with have displayed no emotions to me. Maybe I was looking in the wrong place; most of the clams I have been acquainted with have been cooked and ready for consumption. Maybe those clams were “angry” or “irritable.” If not, I’m willing to bet that they’re probably happier elsewhere.

4. Warm and fuzzy—We all know what it feels like: it’s that happy, content, appreciated feeling. While feeling warm may be well and good, I don’t think that many people would particularly enjoy feeling fuzzy on the inside. That conjures images of moldy peaches and peculiar diseases (at least for me…). Having warm fuzzy things inside of you sounds disgusting. It’s like you’ve been eating baby rabbits or something. Ew. Now that does not make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

This list will have to be explanded for optimal laugh value. I'll have to work on that.