A Call for Feminism : Part I

"Are you a feminist?" my friend asked me.

I admit that I hesitated. It's no secret that I'm very conservative, something that popular culture often doesn't tie with feminism, the banning of brassieres, and putting men in their place.

"Yes, I think I am," I replied.

Certainly feminism has come to have those negative connotations of hoardes of angry lesbains crying out for equal rights and the crushing of their male counterparts underfoot. However, feminism does and should mean so much more than that to any self-respecting woman. It's standing up against those who tell you that you're not good enough or not smart enough by right of being a woman or that your position in life is to make men happy by being pretty and sexy.

Many women will dismiss my cry for feminism. After all we got our rights with the amendment that allowed women to vote and with the demonstrations in the 60s and 70s. Women are equal! We've tossed away our corsets, we go to school with men, act like men, and are in the workplace with men. We're home free! The glass ceiling has shattered and come crashing down about our feet!

In my opinion, however, we might be in worse shaped than ever. Our world, and this country, is in a crisis for feminists and here's why. As bad as a situation in which women know they are unequal is, it becomes dangerous when women think of themselves as free and are meanwhile still in the bonds of a society that degrades them.

Walk down the street or watch television. Women's half-naked bodies are posted everywhere you look. Not that women don't have the right to be beautiful or sexy, but not at the expense of rendering them as sex objects. Listening to the lyrics of many popular songs, it's scary to be a woman; all this talk of sex and drugs and buying love scares me stiff. Women are taught to make themselves appealing so that men will want them. Men are told that women are there to pleasure them and that once you're tired of one, you can always find a newer and hotter version. This sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Many women say that they make themselves sexy or appealing for themselves. But, frankly, I don't believe them. It feeds the sexist machine and furthers the opinion that women are only good if they're attractive and what men want them to be. That, my friends, doesn't sound like freedom, but a form of willing oppression.

Next time, I will talk about two very influential women who were both exemplary figures in their time (and now of course) and see what they have to say about women's often self-inflicted bondage to the social sexist stereotype.

The Problem with the Hook-Up Culture

At the President's Ball last night, one of my friends who I don't see very often turned to me and asked me if I had a boyfriend. "No," I replied. "Have you hooked up with anyone?" "No." "What!? Really? You're in college and you've never hooked up or had a boyfriend?" "Nope." That set me thinking.

Hooking-up.

Chances are you've done it, have friends who have, or at least look forward to doing it in the future.

My history professor asked my class if people "date" anymore. Everyone looked at each other awkwardly, half-laughed, and said "Well..." Looking around me, I can't say that I have seen more than a select few people (and God bless them) who are in steady, monogamous relationships. When I say that, I don't mean "friends with benefits;" I mean people who have dated, fallen in love, and who are true to each other.

College is a candy shop filled to the brim with beautiful, desirable, (mostly) intelligent, and (usually) willing people. There are so many choices to make, chances to take, and people to fall in love with. Why, then, can't we move beyond hooking up?

I learned that someone in my acquaintance who will remain anonymous is a hook up fiend. Or maybe the term is a "man whore." Anyway, he flits from girl to girl, kisses and tells, and has gotten himself a reputation. Why can't people stop hurting each other with train in the night romances and take a chance with one person?

It's a product of our culture that says commitment is bad, that it holds us back from pleasure and fun, that we should get it whenever and wherever we can. In fact, it hurts people, makes them feel empty, devalues relationships, and leads to no real fulfillment. Love, sex, and the body are things to respect, not to trade like cards.

No, I have not hooked up. I hope I won't. I'm waiting for someone who's willing to take a chance on me and not just take me for a test-drive.

A New Philosophy of Looking at the World

In the past few weeks, I found myself questioning a lot of my core beliefs which I had thought were static and unchanging. Apart from the initial shock of such a reconsideration, I have come to think that this might have been a good thing after all. In my honors Philosophy class, we are currently studying Baruch Spinoza, an early modern philosopher who believes in strict pantheism (specifically, monism), or the school of thought that asserts that all things share one essence and one existence.

Initially, I was interested by Spinoza's theory; however, looking at his philosophy through the lens of my personal experience, it suddenly all clicked. Spinoza argues that we all share one essence, that of existence, and that we are all united in one body. From a religious perspective, God--whose essence is existence and infinity and perfection--is within all aspects of creation and, in fact, is all creation. Ultimate contentment comes from an understanding of the self as a part of the whole and as a piece of the ultimate being. Through reason and the use of our power to actively consider ourselves, our emotions, and our decisions, we come to a knowledge of the divine within all things and, consequently, a further understanding of ourselves in the universal spectrum. We, as rational and heavenly beings, are not chained down by sin or held back because we are of a "lower" substance or class than a deity, but instead have the power to examine and understand ourselves and to evolve and change ourselves to active and, thus, content beings.

What a wonderful way to live! We are all a part of some grand fabric of existence and need only to realize that we are a part of it and to reach contentment. We are not individuals, but part of the whole. We are all one and have the capacity for excellence. We exist for a reason because we are existence in itself. We have the power to make decisions, to look at ourselves, and to make ourselves better. It teaches that, as beings who share in the divine nature, we do freely what is best.

That is why I like Spinoza.

Rather than being held down by passions and fixations, we can rise above the concupisence of this world and reach true excellence.

"Blessedness is not the reward of virtue, but virtue itself. We do not enjoy blessedness because we keep our lusts in check. On the contrary, it is because we enjoy blessedness that we are able to keep our lusts in check" (Ethics V, Prop 42).

So, I guess I was freaking out

After my existential crisis of the last two posts, I sat down, took a deep breath, thought about my life, and said, "Heck, why make myself miserable over things I cannot know and cannot control? Why go through life with a frown when I could go through it with a smile and a laugh?"

Lame, right? But, anyway, I have decided to live a happier life, unplagued by irrational and depression-inducing fears.

I have been much happier with myself lately. I have been trying to really be myself and I feel a lot better. I have been on top of and ahead of my work, and consequently feel much more useful and mentally engaged.

In addition, I have realized that the feelings I had for a friend of mine have come back as of yesterday evening. He's been having a rough time lately and I haven't been seeing much of him, but I want to spend some time with him and just talk. I'm throwing away any hesitation and am going to go for it. This will probably not go anywhere, but last night reminded me of why he's my friend and why I have always had such an admiration for him. I hope that I can at least make him feel better.

So, I've taken a 360' turn. Life is good and I'm going to make it better!

So, what the f@#% am I doing with my life?

It rained again today and I feel utterly useless. Walking in the rain, I thought to myself, what the f*@$ am I doing with my life? Because I honestly can't think of even one little thing that has meaning in my life right now. I go to class, I study and work hard so that I can get a job where I will help other people do the same thing and then, at the end of the day, I'll go home either to be alone or to be with my husband who doesn't love me and thinks how boring life is with me and my kids who will probably think I'm annoying or stupid.

I feel like no one truly knows me. Heck, who am I kidding, I don't even know myself. I have forgotten who I am and don't know the person I have become. And I look at myself and see someone who I don't really like and who I feel other people don't really like and I just feel so alone. People tell me I should get a boyfriend. As if that would help. Then I'd just feel like someone was judging me and molding me into what they want me to be before realizing that it's not worth it and leaving me alone. Love is selfish. It hurts people. It gets your hopes up, puts on a mask of well-being, and then screws you over. All I want is to know who I am, to feel like I am doing something worthwhile with my life, and have someone to understand me without judging me. I want someone to stand by me, to hold me and tell me it's okay, to help me figure out what the hell I'm doing. Someone who's just happy to be with me and to understand me and look beyond my facade.

So, yeah. Basically, I'm don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life and don't have a desire to do anything. My mind is just floating away.

Sophomore year and my existential crisis

So here I am--almost one month into my sophomore year of college--sitting in my room as the rain continues to come down in the Bronx. Since my return to Fordham and my friends which I have here, I have made quite a few observations of myself and things I would like to change about myself.

I feel as if, in my freshman year, I sold myself a little bit short. I really liked the person I was at the end of high school. She was funny, smart, in control, and she knew who she was. She wasn't concerned about what other people thought about her because she knew she was doing what was right.

I feel like when I came to college, I lost a little part of myself. When you go to college, you come in with a tabula rasa; no one knows you. However, I find myself wishing more and more that people knew me and not the intimidated and odd version of myself which has come about. I feel like people don't know me and that I don't know how to change that. It's going to take a lot of work and a helluva lot of soul-searching. As Regina Spektor says, "You can write, but you can't edit." Once you establish yourself as a certain someone, you can't change it. I hope it's not too late for me to go back to that person I was and really show people who I am.

I had a really good Saturday last weekend. I hung out with some very good friends, whom I hadn't spent time with in a while. And I was just happy. I was myself, without reservations. I didn't feel like some fake semblance of myself. Sadly, I have realised that one of my closest friends from last year is not the person I thought they were. And I feel like when we are together I am compromising myself because I'm putting on an appearance of well-being and being someone I don't like and want to be.

SO: from now on, I want to be myself. Nothing more and nothing less. Just me. In all my nerdy, quirky, and genuine ways. That's all I want. Life is too short not to be happy with yourself.

No more selling myself short, no more pretending, and no more crap--what you see is what you get.

Sarko and Carla: New Hope for a New Europe?

As a French citizen, I am more interested than most Americans in the happenings across the pond with regards to France and Europe. Thus, naturally, when I heard the news of French President Nicholas Sarkozy’s messy divorce from his wife, Cecilia, and his subsequent marriage to Italian heiress and former-supermodel turned singer, Carla Bruni, I was to put it mildly, troubled. To me, it seemed like a Donald Trump-esque move from an already controversial president: trading in the older model for a hotter, richer, newer one.

Cecilia was no great favourite with the French—loud, unpredictable, and blatantly unfaithful, she told a reporter who asked her where she saw herself in five years that her dream would be to live in Manhattan and jog in Central Park. To be the wife of the French president and to have your ultimate goal in life be to leave France and “faire du footing” seems a little odd to me.

But back to the wedding of Sarko and Carla—After the marriage of the new president, France’s critical eyes were turned on Carla Bruni, the new Madame le president. What would she do? Was she just a pretty and—ahem—rich girl seeking to propel herself into France’s high political circles? Most importantly: How long would they last?

After several months of scrutiny, however, the French (including myself) have fallen in love with Carla. There’s a lot to like about her: she’s an elegant and fresh breath of air into one of Europe’s oldest and most unchanging countries and her influence over her new husband seems to be doing a lot of good. Sarko seems settled and content and, now that his PR nightmares have drifted away with his ex-wife, he has gained popularity. When in France visiting family, I spoke to family friends about the President’s new wife. From young to old, they all rave about her. “She’s so good for him.” “I think she’s good for France.” “Carla is a great face for France.” “I love her music,” one person told me. “She hasn’t much of a voice, but her lyrics are wonderful.”

And far from the typical celebrity (that’s what they are, isn’t it?) marriage, it seems like it might—dare I say it?—last. They seem so well-suited to each other and Carla appears to be a great calming influence. There are even rumours that she might be pregnant. For me, this is a whole new chance for Sarko to start afresh, get focused, and make France better. How often can people boast that they have hope in politicians? Also, as France tends more towards a European identity, a successful presidential couple with backgrounds representing the new and growing France (he is descended from Greek and Hungarian Jews and she from Italian tycoons), might be the best recipe for France right now.

In conclusion, I don’t know much about French politics. All I have to say is that I love Carla (I even bought her CD!) and I hope that she continues to inspire hope in the French.

Oh, and what happened to Cecilia? No need to worry; she's doing just fine. She married her lover shortly after the divorce and has since moved to an expensive apartment in Manhattan. Go figure...

Madame le President? Bah oui!

* * *

Je suis une enfant
Malgré mes quarante ans
Malgré mes trente amants
Une enfant
….
Mon âme conteste ma peau proteste
Moi je rêve de maintenant
Car je suis une enfant
Je tourne le dos au temps
Cheveux et jupe au vent
Une enfant

Copyright 2008, Teorema et Carla Bruni

The End of Summer

I looked at the calendar today and realized that it's just over a week until I move back to school. Now, I'm not going to say, "Gee gosh, this summer went by fast," because it didn't go by that fast. In fact, it was a very good summer, the best I have had in years.

Reasons why I had a good summer:

1. I feel like I accomplished a lot of things. I did a lot of reading--for example, I've read 18 out of my 23 books on my summer reading list thus far. I did some writing, gardening, took long bike rides, went to Europe, etc.

2. I actually saw people. This is a big change from the past. Usually, I don't see anyone my own age / my friends for the entire summer, and instead read all the time and get bored out of my mind. Not so this summer. I visited people, I made "hanging out" dates, I went to people's houses. Totally awesome.

3. I feel healthy. I've been eating well, taking care of myself, troubleshooting and I feel prettier and healthier than I did at the beginning of the summer.

I just realized that this post has been kind of lame. But it's all true. So there :)

THE END

Gardening with an English Major

My grandmother cultivated my interest in gardening from the time when I first learned to stand. She loved to garden and it showed. Her small dirt patch in the backyard of her suburban house was always brimming with beautiful blooms and even had a little kitchen garden at the back. After school, I would play outside and tend the patch for hours.

But if her garden in the city was good, her garden in Vermont was truly outstanding in its size and variety. Hundreds of feet in diameter, she successfully grew any vegetable you could think of. There were rows upon rows of carrots, parsley, pole beans, sunflowers, tomatoes, potatoes, and her specialty, zucchini. In addition to the vegetable patch, she had about an acre of raspberry bushes, with huge yields. By the end of the summer, we had a ton of produce: beautiful carrots, bushels of beans, lots of giant zucchini (I’m talking four feet long and half a foot wide), and gallons of raspberries for pie-baking and jam-making.

I never thought of myself as a gardener; I just kind of hung around in the back, watching and learning from my grandmother’s verdant thumb. I guess it must have rubbed off because I seem to have caught the gardening bug. One of my main summer activities is planning, planting, and caring for my garden which gets bigger and more beautiful each year. I have expanded the vegetable garden (though it is still way too small), now have a giant raspberry patch started from shoots from grandma’s garden (needless to say, they have flourished), and a steadily increasing number of flower beds.

I love my flower beds. I love seeing them look good and getting positive feedback on them. I love seeing the yard in perfect condition: trimmed, blooming, and weed-free.

I have been planning a theme for my garden for a few summers now. Being the epitome of a nerdy English major and a Jane Austen addict, I of course had to have a literary theme for my garden. Then I got an idea: why not plan a traditional English garden with plants mentioned in Jane Austen novels? I googled it. No one else seemed to be that crazy. So, I was on my own to create the perfect Jane Austen garden. But what to plant and how to plan it? Maiden pinks, foxgloves, Canterbury bells, and phlox were all on my short list. I then realized that it would be almost physically and monetarily impossible for me to do. So, I was to manifest my literary plans in another fashion.

In the middle of the night I woke up and was thinking about Jane Austen and how she would play into my garden. Then it clicked. Why not name my different flower beds after Jane Austen heroines based on the appearance and the nature of the flowers in them, distinguished by painted signs bearing their names? Eureka!

The first was “Elinor and Marianne” (of Sense and Sensibility), which would be on the right side of the bilco. The flowers there are very different and, yet, they work seamlessly together. I have giant hostas and rambunctious bee balms, as well as some false mallow and cosmos. The hostas and the cosmos are like Elinor: they are reserved, stable, and strong, but just when you don’t expect it, they bloom with stunning flowers. The bee balm and mallow are for Marianne: they’re bright, overflowing, and vibrant. The two work very well together, complimenting each other’s vastly different qualities in a pleasant manner.

Next, there’s “Anne” on the side of the garage, inspired by the heroine of Persuasion. Anne is patient, loving, and most of all faithful. So are the flowers in her bed. There are bleeding hearts (which I found particularly appropriate), heirloom peonies, and resurrection lilies. All of them are pink and feminine, but sturdy and beautiful. Most importantly, while mostly dormant and less than eye-catching, when they bloom, they create a show that is not to be missed. They are old faithfuls and continue to grow and become more beautiful with time.

I am planning a “Catherine” bed for Catherine Morland of Northanger Abbey. Of course, I will be filling it with fantastical and eye-popping beauties, such as sunflowers, perhaps reminiscent of something Catherine would have read about in a novel or fantasized about while daydreaming. “Emma” will be stately and beautiful, and filled with feminine charm and grace. “Elizabeth” (and “Jane” I think) will be beautiful without being presumptuous, and filled with old favourites we might have found growing outside of Longbourn.

All in all, I think this English major has a great gardening season ahead of her.

Parisian Spree, Part 2: Arrival and First Day

ke I arrived at the Paris Charles de Gaulle airport at seven thirty in the morning on May 27, from whence I proceeded to take the Air France Bus to the Gare Austerlitz. Having arrived at the train station, I took the 91 bus which drops me off literally in front of my door.

I have always found that the best and most comprehensive Parisian buses all stop within a 3 block distance from my front door. There’s the 91, which connects you to all of the Parisian train stations: Austerlitz, Montparnasse (from where we take our yearly TGV train to the beautiful region of Brittany to visit my family in the good ol’ ancestral abode on the sea), and Lyons. That’s pretty convenient if you ask me. Then, there’s the 67, which runs to the Louvre, the Hotel de Ville (and drops me at the door of my favourite department store, BHV), Pigalle, and the Bohemian paradise of Montmartre. Finally, my favourite bus is the 27. The farthest away, it is by far the best, running to the Place Saint Michel, Notre Dame, the Musée d’Orsay, and the Jardin du Luxembourg. The best thing to do is to purchase un carnet, a package of reduced bus tickets, and to go wild. It’s fairly inexpensive, extremely efficient, pleasant, and scenic—everything that the New York bus system is not (hence why I don’t ride it).

However, I have gone into too much detail over my love of the Parisian bus system. I arrived chez moi, ready to collapse in a heap. My tante Eliane lives next door. Therefore, I was on my own for the first time in the petit studio. First thing, turn on the electric. Done. Turn on water. Okie dokie. Turn on the hot water. Hmm. How do I do that again? So after about 20 minutes trying to figure out how to turn on the hot water, I gave up and took a very cold and very refreshing shower. Tasty. Now to collapse. *Bring!* I pick up the phone, fearing that it’s Eliane, who likes to listen for me at the door. But no, it was Marie and Kempy asking whether I wanted to have breakfast.

“We’re at Montparnasse. How do we get to you?”

Heh heh, said I.

“You take the 91 bus and it drops you off in front of the door.”

Score. I salute you, Parisian bus system.

I hurriedly made myself look presentable, which is very difficult to do when one has not slept in about 24 hours, thinks that it’s 3 in the morning, was just dropped into a foreign country, and has to entertain ones friend’s abroad. I went out looking like a mole unhappy to see the light. It was also raining.

Breakfast was lovely and gloriously French.

“Kempy and I were thinking of going to the Musée d’Orsay. Would you like to come?”

I was feeling decent and wanted to spend time with my friends, so I agreed. We took the 27 bus (yesss) to the museum and waited on line in the rain for about half an hour. I felt faint. What I’ll do to peruse room upon room of expressionist art...anyway. We spent several hours in the museum, after which I felt like I was going to collapse. I also still had to go grocery shopping, unpack, and figure out how to turn on the hot water. I went home, ploughed through all of my chores, and died.

Please stay tuned forthe next and markedly more interesting and entertaining installment in my Parisian Spree chronicles.

Ooh la la! Parisian Spree, Part I

Thus begins the account of my Parisian adventure:

On Memorial Day 2008, I found myself aboard an American Airlines flight to the city of light—La Ville Lumiere. After a short sojourn in the Green Mountains of Vermont, I—like the migratory bird that I am—was to fly to Paris to visit my aged French aunt, Eliane, and also to celebrate the birthday of my best friend, Marie, in true style along the quais of the Seine. This was to be my first trip to Europe alone, as well as a true test of the quality of my language skills, considering that I would be unable to speak English for the majority of the trip.

Thus, my bag was carefully packed and checked, I was prepared with reading materials for the long flight ahead, and I anxiously awaited the beginning of my Parisian adventure.
Now, you would think that an American Airlines flight en route to Paris would be overrun with American tourists: Long-Guylanders off to see Paree, old fogies on grand tours of Europe (14 charming European countries in 10 days!), and unnaturally loud children armed with video games and travel gear. Not so; It turns out that the passengers were almost entirely French en vacances, that is, except for me and the crew.

Hmmm, an entirely French flight with an English-only-speaking crew and you have got a sitcom in the making. Case in point: apparently alcoholic drinks are no longer compris on the flight. Indeed, you can no longer enjoy a little bottle of wine with your pre-packaged food. Quel horreur! Needless to say, many Frenchies were obliged to whip out some cash to satisfy that familiar nightly craving. Ah, well. Ça c’est la vie.

Anyway, back to the flight. I found my seat with relative ease and apprehensively waited for the arrival of my neighbour for the flight. Would it be a tight-lipped French businessman? A quiet artiste? The handsome and charming French boy of my dreams? None of the above. Turns out that Travelocity paired me with my exact opposite. A young, Arab-looking man sat next to me and we sat in silence as we waited for the take-off. Suddenly, he turns to me. This might just have been one of the most interesting and, now, entertaining conversations of my life.

The following conversation was conducted in French and broken English. Lines stand for extremely long and awkward pauses in the conversation. He always initiates the conversation. It gets progressively more awkward as it goes along.

“So, you are French?”
“No, American. But my family is French.”
“From Paris?”
“No, from Brittany.”
“I am French—from Paris.” I did gather that you were French.
“Oh.”
“But I have been visiting my brother in Woodside. You know this?” Well, no.
“Yes.”
------------
“You have family in France?”
“Yes, my aunt lives in Paris. My uncle lives in Geneva.”
“And you are staying in France for how long?”
“Ten days.”
------------
“I have been to discotheques every night this week.”
“Oh?” Oh, Lord. He’s a party animal, is he?
“I got home at six in the morning today.”
“Oh my.” Gulp.
------------
“Do you work?”
“No, I am a student.”
“And what do you study?”
“I study English literature and French. I am thinking about doing my specialization in medieval studies.”
“How long will that take?”
“Three years.”
------------
“You speak very good French.”
“Thank you. I have been studying French for four years now.”
“I don’t like American girls.” Oh, good. My self esteem just shot up thirty points.
“Oh?”
“They’re strange.”
“Yes, they can be I suppose.”
“But you, you look French.”
“Well, my family is French.” Indeed.
“And your parents?”
“My mother is French. My father is German.”
“Ah.”
------------
“Do you meet good people in New York?”
“Yes, people are very nice.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“How long have you lived in New York?”
“All my life. I was born there.”
“So, you are English?” Hadn’t we determined this already?
“No, American.” As I said before.
“Yes, English.” Nooo.....
“Well, I am English as in from America. Not from Great Britain.”
------------
Now it gets awkward. The following remark was said in English.
“You are very white.”
Um, OK, then. “Umm, thank you.” How do you respond to that?
“When I was in New York, I didn’t see many white girls.” Pale? Fair? “You are the fourth blonde I have watched.” Wait, what?!? Let’s get this straight; confusing “to see” and “to watch” makes for some uncomfortable conversation.
“Ah...”
------------
“There are lots of blacks in New York.”
“Yes, we have people of all internationalities. Like Paris.”
“But you are very white.”
Hadn’t we determined that? Haven’t you been watching me?
“You look like a European girl.” Well, I am ethnically European.
“Thank you.” I guess.
------------
“Do a lot of people in New York speak Spanish?”
“Yes. English is becoming almost like a second language.”
“Do they speak what they speak in Spain?”
“No, it’s slightly different.”
With an air of finality and accusation, “It’s the Mexicans.”
------------
“Are you married?” Looking at my omnipresent claddagh ring.
“No.”
“Why do you wear that ring then? When we wear a ring there, it means we are married.” That is kind of international, no?
“Well, um. It’s the only finger it wouldn’t fall off of. It’s a Celtic symbol. If the heart is turned in, it means you are married.”
“Ah.”
------------
“How long is it since you have been in France?”
“A year.”
“And have you been to Spain?”
“Yes, I was there for two weeks.”
“Have you been everywhere?” Just slightly creepy.
“Certainly not.”
“Did you like the discotheques in Madrid?” Did I say I was in Madrid?
“I didn’t go.”
“No?!?” Is that such a surprise?
“No, not at all.” I am telling the truth.
“How strange...” Must I go to the discotheque?
------------
“What’s your name?”
“Sorry?” I hadn’t heard him the first time.
“What is your family name?”
“Metzler.”
“Metz-lair. Ah, nice to meet you! My name is Charles.” You said family name, silly!
------------
“Is anyone picking you up at the airport?” Lord, you’re some kind of sketch rapist. I am going to be molested and killed in a dark alleyway.
“No, I am taking the Air France Bus.”
------------
“Do you have a boyfriend?” Do you need to know this?
“No.”
“No?” Can’t you take “no” for an answer?
“No.” So there.
“So, you’re not getting it?” What?
“What?”
“So...you’re not getting any?” What the f#@k?!? How the hell, do you respond to something like that?
“Um.....no....um.” A-w-k-w-a-r-d.
“Hmm. No?” Don’t think you’re getting any, creeper.
“NO.”

And that was the last thing I said. This was all before take-off, which makes for a super-duper-awkward seven-and-a-half hours. I pretended to be asleep the entire time so that he wouldn’t talk to me. I did not sleep. I was not molested. I did not enjoy my dinner, which looked and tasted like tissues and paste. When the flight ended, I ran off the plane and bolted. Talk about an entrance. Bienvenue à Paris! *gulp*

Whilst I Lay Dreaming

It’s official: Summer has officially begun. A few days ago, I arrived in the green mountains hoping for some sunshine and warm weather, only to be met by fog and rain. The sun did manage to break through the clouds yesterday and this morning, however, and naturally I took advantage of the opportunity by doing some gardening. Having so much time on my hands this summer, I have high expectations for both my kitchen garden and flowerbeds. In a spur of enthusiasm and optimism last night, I drew up some cursory garden plans by the light of the television screen. This morning, I awoke early to get a head start while the sun was still shining and went out to the yard.

However, my bucolic pleasures were to be short-lived. My father came out and informed me that my Uncles Bob and Bobby, who had spoken of paying a visit from Boston, had just called to inform us that they were 30 miles away and planned to drop by the house for lunch. Now, I love my uncles, but today was not the day. The house was a mess, I badly needed a shower, and we were running out of food. My gardening was to be put on hold. Bob and Bobby arrived, right on schedule, “so happy to have caught us.” I made a haphazard lunch and we entertained them for a few hours out on the patio whilst the air grew chill and the clouds darkened. We will be meeting them for dinner tonight and for lunch tomorrow. No more gardening for me. At least for today.

On another note, when the weather is as changeable and unsatisfactory as it has been these past few days, I have to spend my time indoors. And what better way to spend time indoors, but to do crafts (I now have a playlist on my computer, jokingly entitled “Crafty Music”) and read.
After graduation last year, I remember thinking how much time I had to do reading that I had put off. Being OCD as I am, I made a list of what I hoped to read by the end of the summer. Sur enough, by the time September rolled around, I had completed all of the titles on my 15-book reading list.

Well, this year, I have even more time, and I have already gotten busy on the reading front. This time, however, even before the summer had started I had a 14-book list. That doesn’t even account for the books I will find along the way. So....perhaps I will be looking at maybe 17/18 books. Let’s see what I can manage...

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Below, I have my reading list (as of today—May 21st) in case anyone is interested:

*An asterisk denotes something already completed (yay efficiency!)

*Everything is Illuminated (Jonathan Safran Foer)

Les Fleurs du Mal (Charles Baudelaire)

Catch-22

The Memoirs of Giacomo Casanova

Mansfield Park (Jane Austen)

Emma (Jane Austen)

*Lolita (Vladimir Nabokov)

Daisy Miller (Henry James)

*The Return of the King (J.R.R. Tolkien)

Wives and Daughters (Elizabeth Gaskell)

Cranford (Elizabeth Gaskell)

A Room with a View (E.M. Forster)

A Whirlwind End to Freshman Year

It's over. My freshman year of college is over. It's been hard telling that to myself over these past few days, but now, the realization of the fact is finally setting in.

Final exams were, needless to say, intense. Not in a bad way, but in a, "Let's make you sweat a little" way. Thankfully, I had a a few days' respite before beginning my exam schedule. My first exam was, without a doubt, my hardest--Dr Paul's Medieval History test. I am pretty sure that I drilled myself more for that exam than I did for the SATs. But, by the end of the exam, I was confident that I had done my best. After all, all we ever wanted was to make Dr Paul proud. God, how I will miss that man. Anyway, my other exams were not as difficult but still ensured that I would be attending many, many study parties (often several hours in duration), stressing into the wee hours of the night, and consuming more units of caffeine than is probably good for my health. Let's just say that by the time Friday afternoon rolled around, and I was beat. After my French exam on that rainy, cold, and generally disagreeable Friday afternoon, I was ready for some down time.

Within half an hour of my departure from the exam, I was on my way to Manhattan for a night of fun and frivolity made possible by Cara's excellent planning skills. Cara had about a week of free time between her final exams and decided that she would spend her time doing all of the New York things she had been meaning to do. Unfortunately, I was unable to attend most of the festivities which included walking across the Brooklyn Bridge, going to a Broadway show, etcetera. However, on Friday night, I was ready for some fun.

Reed, Cara, and I first took the magical D down to the MoMA, which I had never been to before. Now, I'm usually not a fan of modern art, but considering that 1) I felt I should go at least once 2) I was with good museum buddies 3) It was free, I was ready to go. There were a lot of interesting things, as well as many disinteresting things, and some things that were just ridiculous, but I had a great time. Afterwards, we met up with Lindy and went out to my first Thai restaurant. Stop three was the Strand aka the best place ever. Finally, we went down to the Upright Citizens Brigade, a comedy club down in Chelsea. What a way to spend a Friday night!

Saturday, Tyler and I went down to the city to roam around the village. Thankfully, the weather had cleared up. First, we actually went down to Ground Zero on a whim. I hadn't been down there for at least thre years. Everything around the site looks completely new and filled with life. The area is filled with tourists and trendy new restaurants, but the actual site looks the same as it did seven years ago. There are still construction workers everywhere and the site is still eerily empty. Creepy stuff. Afterwards we wandered around the Village, went to many street fairs, and got lost many times. However, the day passed pleasantly enough.

So, it was my last night at Fordham. The last night in my room, the last night in Queen's Court, my last Sodhexo dinner for a few months. Most people had left and the building was uncomfortably quiet. I sat down in my room and started to pack up what had become my life: my photographs, my knick-knacks, and my books. It was all very sad. In the midst of my packing, I heard a rap at the door. It was Reed and Cara, both dressed up, and looking very excited. Cara came up to me and said, "You are a freshman at Fordham, it's your last night, and you have never been to Tinker's. You're going!" At first I was less than amused. But then, as I got ready in record time, I was a little bit excited. I was going to see the place after hearing so much about it. So, we got there. There was a great band playing, my friends were not drinking, the place was not too crowded, and I must admit, I had a great time. Afterwards, we sat out on Eddie's and just enjoyed the night air.

What a great way to end my freshman year. The next day, I woke up early and packed the remainder of my belongings. It was sad to leave but I felt fulfilled. I had a great first year, met wonderful people, and have become a better person. I feel as if I lived my time to the fullest. The last few days, spent with my dear friends and filled with new experiences, were a great way to wrap up the year. So when I went to my last mass, had my last brunch with Cara, and received my last good-bye hugs, I was sad, but more so, I was so excited about the great year ahead in the fall.

Thank you, Fordham, for a great year. Next year's going to be even better :)

Wherein I contemplate the effects of spring on the psyche of a college student...

One of my favourite hobbies has always been people wacthing--On the subway, on the street, in a cafe, on the Ram Van, in the caf (especially in the caf). Let me clarify one thing before I continue. When I say "people watching" I don't mean it in a stalkerish way, or in a creepy way; I just love observing people's habits and tendencies, and perhaps trying to speculate on their characters.

Anyway, now that spring appears to have offically sprung (pardon the cliche), I have noticed a few key effects that the warmer weather has on the brain of a college student:

1. A lack of motivation to do anything other than take naps in the sun and sit outside. It's nice out and we want to be outside. That's all. There's no harm in that. The problems kick in when the amount of time spent outside eclipses the amount of time spent going to class, doing work, and doing anything productive in general.

2. An increasing number of people (read: Fordham students) who have changed their appearance drastically in some way. In the past two weeks, I have seen more people dying their hair (especially guys dying their hair red, very peculiar) and people with faux-hawks. Wtf. Perhaps the rebirth of spring inspires people to have personal rebirth. Maybe they're just crazy. Who can tell...

3. Everyone is falling in love. I know that spring is the time for lovers, but the recent change is kind of ridiculous. I swear that in the last four weeks of people watching, I have seen at least an 80 % increase in people holding hands. PDA has hit harder than allergies. Everyone is confessing their love for everyone else. These extraneous signs of affection, of course, make me all the more glad that I am single. Now, I'm not bitter; I believe that everyone should love someone. However, it makes a girl feel really good about herself when everyone seems to have someone and she's in the dust saying, "What about me?" Good times.

4. An extreme heightening of school pride or an increasing hatred towards the place. Take your pick. I know a lot of people who don't want to leave, who thought it went by way too fast, and just as many people who have professed a strong desire to "get the hell out as soon as they can."

Anyway, my people watching is not creepy. In fact, it lets you learn a lot about people in general and about yourself. There's no better way to spend an afternoon.

Lazy Sunday...

Spring. The weather is beautiful, the birds are singing, everyone is happy and frolicking, I'm in love (yay! cheesy!), and life is--on the whole--pretty darn good.

Unluckily for me, my internet had decided that it no longer wishes to function. Therefore, posting updates to this blog has been a little bit difficult. However, thanks to the kindness and generosity of Amanda Deal I have been able to write this.

Luckily for all of us, however, today was a day of unparalleled beauty which has inspired me to write in lofty and unnecessary prose. But, seriously, today was spectacular. Everyone was so happy: girls frolicking in their brightly-coloured sun dresses, boys in shorts and occasionally without shirts, general merriment all around. The weather might have just made up for the Sodhexo's banana-on-a-stick-drenched-in-white-chocolate specialty. That's right, kids, it was that good.

Anyway, to celebrate the beauty and general splendour, the girls of Robert's Second went on a field trip to Eddie's. Marie and I set up camp underneath the partial shade of a tree and just sat there, being happy. Others soon joined and what had been two girls playing Mika became a full-out event. Now, I don't really like the sun. I'm pale and pale people don't like the sun. First of all, we can literally feel our skin burning when the sun comes out in the morning. Second, sun produces heat which produces sweat and discomfort. Third, and perhaps most importantly, pale is the new tan. C'mon now...let's admit it. Now that I have had my little sun rant, let me say, I did enjoy the sun today (with beaucoup de sunscreen, of course!).

I also had rehearsal today, which Allegra thankfully moved outside. And yes, we did perform Romeo and Juliet on the steps of Martyr's, facing out over the lawn, being stared at by passersby (they had no idea why they were biting our thumbs...*giggles*), and literally performing by the light of the sunset. Sigh. Why can't life be a musical? I'd really like to know.

If every day could be like today, I might just die from happiness.

General musings

As I pondered on whether or not to create a blog, several questions darted through my thoughts:

Question #1: Do I have anything worth while to say? --Maybe...
Question #2: If so, who will ever read this? --Hopefully someone other than myself and some internet predators.
Question #3: What shall I say? --I suppose I can think of something.

These questions answered (though somewhat inadequately, I must add), I decided that "Yes!" I was to create a blog.

So, here we are. 22 of March, 2008.

Spring break is almost at a close and tomorrow, we leave Vermont for warmer climates and less-stunning scenery. Though the previous statement makes me feel somewhat like some migratory bird, I must admit, I feel as if I have done something with my life over these past few days.

I managed to get through several books which I had been itching to read for some time. The Lord of the Rings, however, remains unfinished. Five months and counting... I did, however, finish Atonement last week, which I loved. I loved the movie just as much. So, life is good. I read some more Jane Austen and watched many televised adaptations of the same. Equally pleasing.

On another note, I also did some writing. Katie called me last week and gushed, "I've written a book!" "Great," said I, "You should get it published." "I have! It came out last Friday!"

Note to self: Stop calling yourself a writer when (a) you probably can't write, and (b) you never sit down with any story long enough to produce more than forty pages of perfectly-edited prose.

So, spurred on by the news, I sat down at my lap top and actually wrote. Shocker! So, I am no where near getting anything published, but I have a determined spirit and will try to actually finish something. Maybe...

This is why I tell people I want to become an English professor. So that I can get paid for being surrounded by writing, literature, and the great works all the long day, while writing on the side. Thus, if my writing career fails or proves to be less brilliant than I had hoped, at least I won;t be living in a box. It's something to think about.

Speaking of things worth thinking about, I would like to conclude this, my first ever blog, with some witticisms and advice from one of my many muses, the great and late Oscar Wilde. He said it all--and beautifully, too, I must add!

A Few Maxims for the Instruction of the Over-Educated:

• Education is an admirable thing. But it is well to remember that nothing worth knowing can be taught.
• The only link between Literature and Drama left to us at the present moment is the bill of the play.
• In old days, books were written by men of letters and read by the public. Nowadays, books are written by the public and read by nobody.
• To be really mediaeval, one should have no body. To be really modern, one should have no soul. To be really Greek, one should have no clothes.

And that, my friends, is all.