It rained again today and I feel utterly useless. Walking in the rain, I thought to myself, what the f*@$ am I doing with my life? Because I honestly can't think of even one little thing that has meaning in my life right now. I go to class, I study and work hard so that I can get a job where I will help other people do the same thing and then, at the end of the day, I'll go home either to be alone or to be with my husband who doesn't love me and thinks how boring life is with me and my kids who will probably think I'm annoying or stupid.
I feel like no one truly knows me. Heck, who am I kidding, I don't even know myself. I have forgotten who I am and don't know the person I have become. And I look at myself and see someone who I don't really like and who I feel other people don't really like and I just feel so alone. People tell me I should get a boyfriend. As if that would help. Then I'd just feel like someone was judging me and molding me into what they want me to be before realizing that it's not worth it and leaving me alone. Love is selfish. It hurts people. It gets your hopes up, puts on a mask of well-being, and then screws you over. All I want is to know who I am, to feel like I am doing something worthwhile with my life, and have someone to understand me without judging me. I want someone to stand by me, to hold me and tell me it's okay, to help me figure out what the hell I'm doing. Someone who's just happy to be with me and to understand me and look beyond my facade.
So, yeah. Basically, I'm don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life and don't have a desire to do anything. My mind is just floating away.
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