The Problem with the Hook-Up Culture

At the President's Ball last night, one of my friends who I don't see very often turned to me and asked me if I had a boyfriend. "No," I replied. "Have you hooked up with anyone?" "No." "What!? Really? You're in college and you've never hooked up or had a boyfriend?" "Nope." That set me thinking.

Hooking-up.

Chances are you've done it, have friends who have, or at least look forward to doing it in the future.

My history professor asked my class if people "date" anymore. Everyone looked at each other awkwardly, half-laughed, and said "Well..." Looking around me, I can't say that I have seen more than a select few people (and God bless them) who are in steady, monogamous relationships. When I say that, I don't mean "friends with benefits;" I mean people who have dated, fallen in love, and who are true to each other.

College is a candy shop filled to the brim with beautiful, desirable, (mostly) intelligent, and (usually) willing people. There are so many choices to make, chances to take, and people to fall in love with. Why, then, can't we move beyond hooking up?

I learned that someone in my acquaintance who will remain anonymous is a hook up fiend. Or maybe the term is a "man whore." Anyway, he flits from girl to girl, kisses and tells, and has gotten himself a reputation. Why can't people stop hurting each other with train in the night romances and take a chance with one person?

It's a product of our culture that says commitment is bad, that it holds us back from pleasure and fun, that we should get it whenever and wherever we can. In fact, it hurts people, makes them feel empty, devalues relationships, and leads to no real fulfillment. Love, sex, and the body are things to respect, not to trade like cards.

No, I have not hooked up. I hope I won't. I'm waiting for someone who's willing to take a chance on me and not just take me for a test-drive.

A New Philosophy of Looking at the World

In the past few weeks, I found myself questioning a lot of my core beliefs which I had thought were static and unchanging. Apart from the initial shock of such a reconsideration, I have come to think that this might have been a good thing after all. In my honors Philosophy class, we are currently studying Baruch Spinoza, an early modern philosopher who believes in strict pantheism (specifically, monism), or the school of thought that asserts that all things share one essence and one existence.

Initially, I was interested by Spinoza's theory; however, looking at his philosophy through the lens of my personal experience, it suddenly all clicked. Spinoza argues that we all share one essence, that of existence, and that we are all united in one body. From a religious perspective, God--whose essence is existence and infinity and perfection--is within all aspects of creation and, in fact, is all creation. Ultimate contentment comes from an understanding of the self as a part of the whole and as a piece of the ultimate being. Through reason and the use of our power to actively consider ourselves, our emotions, and our decisions, we come to a knowledge of the divine within all things and, consequently, a further understanding of ourselves in the universal spectrum. We, as rational and heavenly beings, are not chained down by sin or held back because we are of a "lower" substance or class than a deity, but instead have the power to examine and understand ourselves and to evolve and change ourselves to active and, thus, content beings.

What a wonderful way to live! We are all a part of some grand fabric of existence and need only to realize that we are a part of it and to reach contentment. We are not individuals, but part of the whole. We are all one and have the capacity for excellence. We exist for a reason because we are existence in itself. We have the power to make decisions, to look at ourselves, and to make ourselves better. It teaches that, as beings who share in the divine nature, we do freely what is best.

That is why I like Spinoza.

Rather than being held down by passions and fixations, we can rise above the concupisence of this world and reach true excellence.

"Blessedness is not the reward of virtue, but virtue itself. We do not enjoy blessedness because we keep our lusts in check. On the contrary, it is because we enjoy blessedness that we are able to keep our lusts in check" (Ethics V, Prop 42).

So, I guess I was freaking out

After my existential crisis of the last two posts, I sat down, took a deep breath, thought about my life, and said, "Heck, why make myself miserable over things I cannot know and cannot control? Why go through life with a frown when I could go through it with a smile and a laugh?"

Lame, right? But, anyway, I have decided to live a happier life, unplagued by irrational and depression-inducing fears.

I have been much happier with myself lately. I have been trying to really be myself and I feel a lot better. I have been on top of and ahead of my work, and consequently feel much more useful and mentally engaged.

In addition, I have realized that the feelings I had for a friend of mine have come back as of yesterday evening. He's been having a rough time lately and I haven't been seeing much of him, but I want to spend some time with him and just talk. I'm throwing away any hesitation and am going to go for it. This will probably not go anywhere, but last night reminded me of why he's my friend and why I have always had such an admiration for him. I hope that I can at least make him feel better.

So, I've taken a 360' turn. Life is good and I'm going to make it better!

So, what the f@#% am I doing with my life?

It rained again today and I feel utterly useless. Walking in the rain, I thought to myself, what the f*@$ am I doing with my life? Because I honestly can't think of even one little thing that has meaning in my life right now. I go to class, I study and work hard so that I can get a job where I will help other people do the same thing and then, at the end of the day, I'll go home either to be alone or to be with my husband who doesn't love me and thinks how boring life is with me and my kids who will probably think I'm annoying or stupid.

I feel like no one truly knows me. Heck, who am I kidding, I don't even know myself. I have forgotten who I am and don't know the person I have become. And I look at myself and see someone who I don't really like and who I feel other people don't really like and I just feel so alone. People tell me I should get a boyfriend. As if that would help. Then I'd just feel like someone was judging me and molding me into what they want me to be before realizing that it's not worth it and leaving me alone. Love is selfish. It hurts people. It gets your hopes up, puts on a mask of well-being, and then screws you over. All I want is to know who I am, to feel like I am doing something worthwhile with my life, and have someone to understand me without judging me. I want someone to stand by me, to hold me and tell me it's okay, to help me figure out what the hell I'm doing. Someone who's just happy to be with me and to understand me and look beyond my facade.

So, yeah. Basically, I'm don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life and don't have a desire to do anything. My mind is just floating away.

Sophomore year and my existential crisis

So here I am--almost one month into my sophomore year of college--sitting in my room as the rain continues to come down in the Bronx. Since my return to Fordham and my friends which I have here, I have made quite a few observations of myself and things I would like to change about myself.

I feel as if, in my freshman year, I sold myself a little bit short. I really liked the person I was at the end of high school. She was funny, smart, in control, and she knew who she was. She wasn't concerned about what other people thought about her because she knew she was doing what was right.

I feel like when I came to college, I lost a little part of myself. When you go to college, you come in with a tabula rasa; no one knows you. However, I find myself wishing more and more that people knew me and not the intimidated and odd version of myself which has come about. I feel like people don't know me and that I don't know how to change that. It's going to take a lot of work and a helluva lot of soul-searching. As Regina Spektor says, "You can write, but you can't edit." Once you establish yourself as a certain someone, you can't change it. I hope it's not too late for me to go back to that person I was and really show people who I am.

I had a really good Saturday last weekend. I hung out with some very good friends, whom I hadn't spent time with in a while. And I was just happy. I was myself, without reservations. I didn't feel like some fake semblance of myself. Sadly, I have realised that one of my closest friends from last year is not the person I thought they were. And I feel like when we are together I am compromising myself because I'm putting on an appearance of well-being and being someone I don't like and want to be.

SO: from now on, I want to be myself. Nothing more and nothing less. Just me. In all my nerdy, quirky, and genuine ways. That's all I want. Life is too short not to be happy with yourself.

No more selling myself short, no more pretending, and no more crap--what you see is what you get.

Sarko and Carla: New Hope for a New Europe?

As a French citizen, I am more interested than most Americans in the happenings across the pond with regards to France and Europe. Thus, naturally, when I heard the news of French President Nicholas Sarkozy’s messy divorce from his wife, Cecilia, and his subsequent marriage to Italian heiress and former-supermodel turned singer, Carla Bruni, I was to put it mildly, troubled. To me, it seemed like a Donald Trump-esque move from an already controversial president: trading in the older model for a hotter, richer, newer one.

Cecilia was no great favourite with the French—loud, unpredictable, and blatantly unfaithful, she told a reporter who asked her where she saw herself in five years that her dream would be to live in Manhattan and jog in Central Park. To be the wife of the French president and to have your ultimate goal in life be to leave France and “faire du footing” seems a little odd to me.

But back to the wedding of Sarko and Carla—After the marriage of the new president, France’s critical eyes were turned on Carla Bruni, the new Madame le president. What would she do? Was she just a pretty and—ahem—rich girl seeking to propel herself into France’s high political circles? Most importantly: How long would they last?

After several months of scrutiny, however, the French (including myself) have fallen in love with Carla. There’s a lot to like about her: she’s an elegant and fresh breath of air into one of Europe’s oldest and most unchanging countries and her influence over her new husband seems to be doing a lot of good. Sarko seems settled and content and, now that his PR nightmares have drifted away with his ex-wife, he has gained popularity. When in France visiting family, I spoke to family friends about the President’s new wife. From young to old, they all rave about her. “She’s so good for him.” “I think she’s good for France.” “Carla is a great face for France.” “I love her music,” one person told me. “She hasn’t much of a voice, but her lyrics are wonderful.”

And far from the typical celebrity (that’s what they are, isn’t it?) marriage, it seems like it might—dare I say it?—last. They seem so well-suited to each other and Carla appears to be a great calming influence. There are even rumours that she might be pregnant. For me, this is a whole new chance for Sarko to start afresh, get focused, and make France better. How often can people boast that they have hope in politicians? Also, as France tends more towards a European identity, a successful presidential couple with backgrounds representing the new and growing France (he is descended from Greek and Hungarian Jews and she from Italian tycoons), might be the best recipe for France right now.

In conclusion, I don’t know much about French politics. All I have to say is that I love Carla (I even bought her CD!) and I hope that she continues to inspire hope in the French.

Oh, and what happened to Cecilia? No need to worry; she's doing just fine. She married her lover shortly after the divorce and has since moved to an expensive apartment in Manhattan. Go figure...

Madame le President? Bah oui!

* * *

Je suis une enfant
Malgré mes quarante ans
Malgré mes trente amants
Une enfant
….
Mon âme conteste ma peau proteste
Moi je rêve de maintenant
Car je suis une enfant
Je tourne le dos au temps
Cheveux et jupe au vent
Une enfant

Copyright 2008, Teorema et Carla Bruni

The End of Summer

I looked at the calendar today and realized that it's just over a week until I move back to school. Now, I'm not going to say, "Gee gosh, this summer went by fast," because it didn't go by that fast. In fact, it was a very good summer, the best I have had in years.

Reasons why I had a good summer:

1. I feel like I accomplished a lot of things. I did a lot of reading--for example, I've read 18 out of my 23 books on my summer reading list thus far. I did some writing, gardening, took long bike rides, went to Europe, etc.

2. I actually saw people. This is a big change from the past. Usually, I don't see anyone my own age / my friends for the entire summer, and instead read all the time and get bored out of my mind. Not so this summer. I visited people, I made "hanging out" dates, I went to people's houses. Totally awesome.

3. I feel healthy. I've been eating well, taking care of myself, troubleshooting and I feel prettier and healthier than I did at the beginning of the summer.

I just realized that this post has been kind of lame. But it's all true. So there :)

THE END