Summer Reading for 2009

Once again, in an effort to feel useful over the course of the summer months, I have come up with a tentative reading list to keep me occupied and my mind from becoming a ball of mush. (Only an honors student would be mentally unstable enough to assign herself work…good Lord). Depending on my mood and time constraints, this list will in evitably change but since I enjoy the fun of making lists, why not give it a shot early?

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer
I read Everything is Illuminated last summer and enjoyed it a great deal. I had meant to read this book for about a year so I finally stole it from Marisa and got it done. It was very good, in spite of my not being used to the post-modernist writing style. However, I admit that I was disappointed; I felt like the end was a cop-out and that nothing had really progressed. I’d recommend it, though. Maybe I missed something along the way…

Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman
I recently discovered the work of Neil Gaiman on the recommendation of a good friend who lent me Fragile Things. I read American Gods and Coraline a few weeks ago and, being captivated by his work and talent, have decided to read through his other things. I actually finished this last night and liked it a great deal. Lots of good and surprising plot twists!

Tom Jones by Henry Fielding
I’m curious. I want to live vicariously through one of the so-called lewdest books in the history of literature. Judge me. I don’t care.

Kim by Rudyard Kipling
Another thing I always meant to get to but never did. I feel like after my history class from this past semester, I will be much more interested in the mentality / portrayal of British Imperialism.

Mary Barton by Elizabeth Gaskell
I picked this up at a library trash sale last summer and never got around to reading it. I read Wives and Daughters and Cranford last summer and loved both, so I am sure this will not disappoint.

Emma by Jane Austen
It’s disgraceful that I haven’t read this yet. I’m a terrible person.

Death in Venice and Other Stories by Thomas Mann
My lit class read “Tonio Kroger” this past semester, which I enjoyed immensely. I might as well red the other 6 stories in the book…

Out of Africa by Karen Blixen
The book that inspired the film Out of Africa, this is another book I have meant to read forever. I started it a few months ago and loved it so I need to get back to it.

Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare
This is the only book that I actually have to read this summer. I have to abridge it for TOP by the fall and it would probably be a good idea if I were to read it beforehand. I’ve seen a modern (and frankly awful) production of it, but I never got around to reading it. Guess I will now.

This is just the bare bones list of what I'll probably end up reading, but it's a start!

A Call for Feminism : Part I

"Are you a feminist?" my friend asked me.

I admit that I hesitated. It's no secret that I'm very conservative, something that popular culture often doesn't tie with feminism, the banning of brassieres, and putting men in their place.

"Yes, I think I am," I replied.

Certainly feminism has come to have those negative connotations of hoardes of angry lesbains crying out for equal rights and the crushing of their male counterparts underfoot. However, feminism does and should mean so much more than that to any self-respecting woman. It's standing up against those who tell you that you're not good enough or not smart enough by right of being a woman or that your position in life is to make men happy by being pretty and sexy.

Many women will dismiss my cry for feminism. After all we got our rights with the amendment that allowed women to vote and with the demonstrations in the 60s and 70s. Women are equal! We've tossed away our corsets, we go to school with men, act like men, and are in the workplace with men. We're home free! The glass ceiling has shattered and come crashing down about our feet!

In my opinion, however, we might be in worse shaped than ever. Our world, and this country, is in a crisis for feminists and here's why. As bad as a situation in which women know they are unequal is, it becomes dangerous when women think of themselves as free and are meanwhile still in the bonds of a society that degrades them.

Walk down the street or watch television. Women's half-naked bodies are posted everywhere you look. Not that women don't have the right to be beautiful or sexy, but not at the expense of rendering them as sex objects. Listening to the lyrics of many popular songs, it's scary to be a woman; all this talk of sex and drugs and buying love scares me stiff. Women are taught to make themselves appealing so that men will want them. Men are told that women are there to pleasure them and that once you're tired of one, you can always find a newer and hotter version. This sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Many women say that they make themselves sexy or appealing for themselves. But, frankly, I don't believe them. It feeds the sexist machine and furthers the opinion that women are only good if they're attractive and what men want them to be. That, my friends, doesn't sound like freedom, but a form of willing oppression.

Next time, I will talk about two very influential women who were both exemplary figures in their time (and now of course) and see what they have to say about women's often self-inflicted bondage to the social sexist stereotype.

The Problem with the Hook-Up Culture

At the President's Ball last night, one of my friends who I don't see very often turned to me and asked me if I had a boyfriend. "No," I replied. "Have you hooked up with anyone?" "No." "What!? Really? You're in college and you've never hooked up or had a boyfriend?" "Nope." That set me thinking.

Hooking-up.

Chances are you've done it, have friends who have, or at least look forward to doing it in the future.

My history professor asked my class if people "date" anymore. Everyone looked at each other awkwardly, half-laughed, and said "Well..." Looking around me, I can't say that I have seen more than a select few people (and God bless them) who are in steady, monogamous relationships. When I say that, I don't mean "friends with benefits;" I mean people who have dated, fallen in love, and who are true to each other.

College is a candy shop filled to the brim with beautiful, desirable, (mostly) intelligent, and (usually) willing people. There are so many choices to make, chances to take, and people to fall in love with. Why, then, can't we move beyond hooking up?

I learned that someone in my acquaintance who will remain anonymous is a hook up fiend. Or maybe the term is a "man whore." Anyway, he flits from girl to girl, kisses and tells, and has gotten himself a reputation. Why can't people stop hurting each other with train in the night romances and take a chance with one person?

It's a product of our culture that says commitment is bad, that it holds us back from pleasure and fun, that we should get it whenever and wherever we can. In fact, it hurts people, makes them feel empty, devalues relationships, and leads to no real fulfillment. Love, sex, and the body are things to respect, not to trade like cards.

No, I have not hooked up. I hope I won't. I'm waiting for someone who's willing to take a chance on me and not just take me for a test-drive.

A New Philosophy of Looking at the World

In the past few weeks, I found myself questioning a lot of my core beliefs which I had thought were static and unchanging. Apart from the initial shock of such a reconsideration, I have come to think that this might have been a good thing after all. In my honors Philosophy class, we are currently studying Baruch Spinoza, an early modern philosopher who believes in strict pantheism (specifically, monism), or the school of thought that asserts that all things share one essence and one existence.

Initially, I was interested by Spinoza's theory; however, looking at his philosophy through the lens of my personal experience, it suddenly all clicked. Spinoza argues that we all share one essence, that of existence, and that we are all united in one body. From a religious perspective, God--whose essence is existence and infinity and perfection--is within all aspects of creation and, in fact, is all creation. Ultimate contentment comes from an understanding of the self as a part of the whole and as a piece of the ultimate being. Through reason and the use of our power to actively consider ourselves, our emotions, and our decisions, we come to a knowledge of the divine within all things and, consequently, a further understanding of ourselves in the universal spectrum. We, as rational and heavenly beings, are not chained down by sin or held back because we are of a "lower" substance or class than a deity, but instead have the power to examine and understand ourselves and to evolve and change ourselves to active and, thus, content beings.

What a wonderful way to live! We are all a part of some grand fabric of existence and need only to realize that we are a part of it and to reach contentment. We are not individuals, but part of the whole. We are all one and have the capacity for excellence. We exist for a reason because we are existence in itself. We have the power to make decisions, to look at ourselves, and to make ourselves better. It teaches that, as beings who share in the divine nature, we do freely what is best.

That is why I like Spinoza.

Rather than being held down by passions and fixations, we can rise above the concupisence of this world and reach true excellence.

"Blessedness is not the reward of virtue, but virtue itself. We do not enjoy blessedness because we keep our lusts in check. On the contrary, it is because we enjoy blessedness that we are able to keep our lusts in check" (Ethics V, Prop 42).

So, I guess I was freaking out

After my existential crisis of the last two posts, I sat down, took a deep breath, thought about my life, and said, "Heck, why make myself miserable over things I cannot know and cannot control? Why go through life with a frown when I could go through it with a smile and a laugh?"

Lame, right? But, anyway, I have decided to live a happier life, unplagued by irrational and depression-inducing fears.

I have been much happier with myself lately. I have been trying to really be myself and I feel a lot better. I have been on top of and ahead of my work, and consequently feel much more useful and mentally engaged.

In addition, I have realized that the feelings I had for a friend of mine have come back as of yesterday evening. He's been having a rough time lately and I haven't been seeing much of him, but I want to spend some time with him and just talk. I'm throwing away any hesitation and am going to go for it. This will probably not go anywhere, but last night reminded me of why he's my friend and why I have always had such an admiration for him. I hope that I can at least make him feel better.

So, I've taken a 360' turn. Life is good and I'm going to make it better!

So, what the f@#% am I doing with my life?

It rained again today and I feel utterly useless. Walking in the rain, I thought to myself, what the f*@$ am I doing with my life? Because I honestly can't think of even one little thing that has meaning in my life right now. I go to class, I study and work hard so that I can get a job where I will help other people do the same thing and then, at the end of the day, I'll go home either to be alone or to be with my husband who doesn't love me and thinks how boring life is with me and my kids who will probably think I'm annoying or stupid.

I feel like no one truly knows me. Heck, who am I kidding, I don't even know myself. I have forgotten who I am and don't know the person I have become. And I look at myself and see someone who I don't really like and who I feel other people don't really like and I just feel so alone. People tell me I should get a boyfriend. As if that would help. Then I'd just feel like someone was judging me and molding me into what they want me to be before realizing that it's not worth it and leaving me alone. Love is selfish. It hurts people. It gets your hopes up, puts on a mask of well-being, and then screws you over. All I want is to know who I am, to feel like I am doing something worthwhile with my life, and have someone to understand me without judging me. I want someone to stand by me, to hold me and tell me it's okay, to help me figure out what the hell I'm doing. Someone who's just happy to be with me and to understand me and look beyond my facade.

So, yeah. Basically, I'm don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life and don't have a desire to do anything. My mind is just floating away.

Sophomore year and my existential crisis

So here I am--almost one month into my sophomore year of college--sitting in my room as the rain continues to come down in the Bronx. Since my return to Fordham and my friends which I have here, I have made quite a few observations of myself and things I would like to change about myself.

I feel as if, in my freshman year, I sold myself a little bit short. I really liked the person I was at the end of high school. She was funny, smart, in control, and she knew who she was. She wasn't concerned about what other people thought about her because she knew she was doing what was right.

I feel like when I came to college, I lost a little part of myself. When you go to college, you come in with a tabula rasa; no one knows you. However, I find myself wishing more and more that people knew me and not the intimidated and odd version of myself which has come about. I feel like people don't know me and that I don't know how to change that. It's going to take a lot of work and a helluva lot of soul-searching. As Regina Spektor says, "You can write, but you can't edit." Once you establish yourself as a certain someone, you can't change it. I hope it's not too late for me to go back to that person I was and really show people who I am.

I had a really good Saturday last weekend. I hung out with some very good friends, whom I hadn't spent time with in a while. And I was just happy. I was myself, without reservations. I didn't feel like some fake semblance of myself. Sadly, I have realised that one of my closest friends from last year is not the person I thought they were. And I feel like when we are together I am compromising myself because I'm putting on an appearance of well-being and being someone I don't like and want to be.

SO: from now on, I want to be myself. Nothing more and nothing less. Just me. In all my nerdy, quirky, and genuine ways. That's all I want. Life is too short not to be happy with yourself.

No more selling myself short, no more pretending, and no more crap--what you see is what you get.